Tag Archives: men

A Good Thing

As I was driving home tonight, I was incredibly joyous.  I had just worked a 12 hour day, I was exhausted, and I had some more work to do when I got home.  I had been up since 5am, and it was 8pm when I walked in the door.  This has been the norm the past 2 and a half months.  You’d figure I’d be dragging my feet in the door, but I skipped in the door with vigor.
Late tonight I asked myself “why”?

 

I think it’s because of my wife.

 

Now, don’t roll your eyes.  Hear me out on this.  Part of my upbeat-ness is, no doubt, from my job, which I absolutely love.  But I can’t ignore the roll my wife has played in this.  Sure, we’ve had to adjust to each other’s quirks and we’ve had some disagreements, but I’m having the time of my life with her.  Sure beats coming home to an empty apartment or coming home to roommates.  Sure, I was friendly with all my roommates and I got along with them great.  But I wasn’t one with them.  None of them was my sole (as opposed to soul…there is a difference!) mate.

 

When I first walk in the door at night, I am greeted with a long, much needed hug.  It is the highlight of my day.  Without it, my energy supply to get through the day would be considerably less.

 

What’s more, not only do I get to come home to a hug, not only do I come home to a home cooked meal, not only does the responsibility of being a husband enhance my own sense of my manhood.  Not only do we get to talk to each other about our day(s), but we get to be goofy together.  That laughter is absolute soul food, and it is giving me quite the unexpected lift in my step.

 

Some who have been married longer (or those who haven’t been married at all) might scoff at this: this won’t last.  Wait until kids.  Then your life will really be over.  Or if kids don’t “end your life,” just….just wait.  Things will change.

 

Perhaps.  Yeah yeah, maybe  we’re still “on drugs” as they say, and we are bound to come crashing down.  But you know what?  I don’t care. It says in the Old Book, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.”  I am currently enjoying that which I have found and which God has given.

Shock-Jock: All the Rage

You ever notice that there are an abundance of men who constantly play the “court jester” these days?  I’m not talking about guys who are really funny, goofy fellas that are fun to be around because they know how to light-heartedly tease you, or men who use the art of sarcasm well to make a deep point.  I’m talking about fellas who seldom seem to take much of anything seriously.

Two of my friends on Facebook displayed this characteristic today within minutes of each other.  The first, after another friend wrote a comment about abortion, remarked that he thought it was good because it’s “population control.”  The other faked his own marriage on Facebook (and, I admit, did a pretty good job of making it look real).  Both are Christians.

“Lighten up, Bordner.  Why don’t you just learn to laugh?  They were both just joking.  What’s the harm?”

I enjoy a good joke like the next guy.  Ask my wife: I am constantly teasing her, and it adds some lightness and laughter to our marriage.  There is a time to laugh, joke around, and be sarcastic.  But that is not all the time.

For both guys, I know by now to take their words and actions with a grain of salt…I knew right away, for example, that my first friend was only joking about abortion really being a good method of “population control.”

Therein lies the problem.  He was only joking, and I learned long ago to simply write him off.

The result of such flippancy is that both men have lost the ability to speak truth into my life and probably others’ lives too.  Both, in being so irreverent, have become totally irrelevant and impotent.

If you are a guy like this, you might not think it’s a big deal.  In fact, you probably like this sort of thing.  You like shocking people, because it brings you attention and people think you are funny.  But what about when you actually want people to take you seriously?  What then?  If being a shock jock is your bottom line, what will come of you when it is time to buck up and be useful?  After all, when his hour came, no one listened to the “boy who cried wolf.”

This is not something a man does.  It is something a boy stuck in Peter-Pan syndrome does.  We need a few more good men in the world, not this douche-baggery.

I know that term might offend some readers.  Oh well.  I’m tired of seeing this phenomena in so many young men.  It’s time to call a spade a spade.  I mean, c’mon; why even joke about abortion? Men who call themselves doctors split a baby’s skull open with forceps and suck out her brains. That is not the sort of thing to joke around about. I feel silly even saying such an obvious thing.

Another illustration: I watched Paranormal Activity this weekend.  With it’s fixation on the occult, I should have walked out of the movie.  It wasn’t so wise to stay, but that’s another post for another time.  In the movie, the main female character is being pursued by a demon.  Her boyfriend, with whom she lives, sees this as an opportunity to be entertained and buy cool gadgets.  He buys a bunch of high tech gear to record the entity in action, and teases it constantly.  He just wants to see a lil’ action and doesn’t take his girlfriend’s distress seriously.  He thinks it’s all one big joke.  When he finally does get serious, the situation is out of control and he can do nothing about it.  Spoiler: he ends up dead and his girlfriend ends up possessed.

Why all the irreverence?  A few things.

First, our society enables men to postpone responsibility.  Years ago we didn’t even have the category of “teenager.”  Next we added the category “adolescent,” and recently, some sociologists have begun to talk about the phenomenon of “adultolescence.”  Countless numbers of adults, especially young men, attempt to extend their adolescences into their late 20′s and early 30′s, and many well-meaning people encourage this attitude (“Wait until later to get married.  Have fun now!”).  My bet is the “flippant boy” persona is an extension of that attempt to run away from responsibility, even if only at a very subconscious level.

Secondly, our society tends to idolize the persona.  There are a large number of TV shows, such as Family Guy and South Park, that stand upon this type of humor, and there are a number of actors who’ve made a career out of playing these types of characters (most male actors in Anchorman, for instance).  It’s all around us, so it’s not surprising that young men would seek to emulate what our culture praises.

Thirdly, for some young men, it can be a way to hide insecurity.  We all have our fig leafs, and this is an awfully big one.  I once dated a woman (Ironic that I’ve been talking about men doing this all along.  I guess women can do it too, though it’s much more common in men) that displayed this.  Whenever someone would get personal and deep with her, she would start laughing and cracking jokes.  It was her way of running from facing her ish.

What do you think?  Do you see the same issue?  Do you even think it’s a problem?  If so, what are some other ways in which we enable this attitude, and how can we exhort young men to drop the fig leaf and grow up?

For the Single Ladies (and Guys)

Recently, Boundless blogger Suzanne Hadley Gosselin asked a few interesting questions.  I’m gonna pose them here; who knows, could yield some interesting comments!

If you are a single guy, what do you wish the girls around you knew? If you are a single woman, what do you wish you could tell guys?

One request: be honest!  No need to just parrot what you think makes you sound spiritual.

International Wedding Date Line

I found this funny…and somewhat accurate!

On the East Coast where I live now, at least among most of my friends, getting married is something you do after college, after grad school, after your 30th birthday, after your second solo climb of Mount Everest, after you successfully balance your checkbook for 16 months straight, after, after, after. In other words, getting married at 26 is pretty much like getting married as a fetus.

In the Midwest, at least in the rural Illinois town where I grew up, getting married is something that you do before you begin to think of buying property, before your single-person routines make you stubborn and inflexible, before your metabolism slows enough that a white wedding dress would make you look like a rhinoceros. Optimal marriage age: 20 to 23. Getting married at 26 is like filing your tax returns on April 16.

Have you seen this difference in attitudes about marriage age?  What do you think about it?

HT: Boundless

Better the Second Time Around

For some reason, oftentimes, the second watching of a film is more enriching than the first.

Such was the case last night, as I watched Coyote County Loser at its Orange County premier.

This is not the first time I’ve commented on the film.ccl
To tell you the truth, since I’ve watched it before, I really didn’t feel like going.  It had been a long, tiring day at work, I had another long, tiring day at work to look forward to the next day, and I had a wife I wanted to see.  In the last three weeks, I’ve gotten married, moved into a new place (we still have quite a few boxes to unpack), my wife got a new job, and I got a new job (well, 2 new jobs, sorta).   Add in all the other “to dos” that comes along with a new marriage (getting new bank account, changing insurance, etc), and I’m just flat worn out.  I even told the producer that I’d have to leave before the end of the film.  All this wasn’t because the film sucked (it didn’t…more on that in a minute), but just because I had cashed in my chips long before I arrived.

But I ended up staying the whole time.  I even gleefully (yes…gleefully) stayed for the whole Q&A afterwards.

Why?  There were no Michael Baysian-like special effects for me to visually gorge on.  I was not treated to Lord-of-the-Rings-esque cinematography.  What kept me in my seat was the story.  My soul was enriched from the get-go.  The film caused me to pause and examine my life.  When that happens, I’m hooked in.

One  such “examination” was this: I saw a lot of myself in Jack, the love-em-and-leave-em heart throb from LA.  No, I know I’m no Fabio.  Here’s the deal: for much of the film, he was too busy chasing his next big shot to be able to love anyone.  That would require him to actually slow down and downshift few gears, which he had no intention of doing.  That’s a lot like me; I’ve been so busy lately (actually, it’s not just lately–it’s a constant in my life), for instance, I’ve been desiring but neglecting to write a letter to my grandpa.  I thought a while ago, “That’d be nice.  I need to communicate with him more, cherish him in deeper ways.  A letter would really touch him, I think.” But I keep putting it off.  Like Jack, I’m zipping around with a wink too much to slow down enough, and I’ve been like this well before all the recent change.  If I don’t put people before the process, I’m gonna end up neglecting and hurting those I care for most.

There were a few motifs in the film that I missed the first time around.  Actually, they are so obvious and central in the film that I feel kinda embarrassed to say I missed them the first time around.  I caught the main idea of the film: Jack’s view of relationships is totally based on feeling, while Lauren’s view is based around a list of “must haves.”  Jack thinks love is a game; Lauren thinks love is a savy business transaction.  They find out both their views are horribly wrong–a “legacy” couple–married for 48 years–shows them the main ingredient that starts and keeps love alive: commitment.  Over the years, the commitment and sacrifice the couple practices and embodies transforms Fred, the husband, from a shy, awkward farm boy into a confident, joyous romancer.

Perhaps the most notable thing I missed, though, was the car motif.  Lauren, the female lead, compared men to cars, claiming that just as you must have a list of what you need in a car when vehicle shopping, so you must have a list of requirements for a man.  She called this the “non-negotiable checklist.”

That much I caught the first time, but what I missed was the motif.  Cars are all over the place in the film!  Lauren’s truck consistently breaks down, mirroring the men she takes to task; Jack drives a snazzy sports car that runs out of gas in the beginning of the film; Lauren gets her knowledge of car repair from her dad–when she was young, her dad had a prized antique car (shown in the film), and working on it was the only way Lauren could gain time with him; a car salesman sponsors the radio station Lauren works at, and she visits the salesman when her truck dies; heck, the “loser” himself even sells junk car parts at a salvage yard, and he wins a loaded pickup truck when he wins the “date” radio contest.

Pretty much all the cars in the film, though, leave the characters feeling empty.  Lauren’s truck is a source of constant frustration, and the old car her dad prized is the source of bitter memories.  When the loser wins the truck, it just didn’t feel right–yeah, it was a sweet ride, but Lauren’s heart was crushed in the process of him winning it.  It is not a coincidence, I’m sure, that Jack and Lauren finally connect over a horse-back ride, which is the antithesis of a car.

All this points to the vacuity of Lauren’s view of love.  Her comparison between men and cars is ludicrous, condescending, and leaves both parties feeling empty.  Sure, it keeps women from being hurt, but it keeps them lonely too.  As C.S Lewis once said,

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

Lauren’s view, by the way, is not just spouted by frosty psychologist radio hosts in indie movies–it’s all over the place in our culture.  Ever hear someone compare their boyfriend or girlfriend to a car when it comes to sex?  “We need to find out if we are sexually compatible before we get married.  You wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it first, would you?”

So…I’m a car that you must test drive before you commit?  If that’s not condescending, I don’t know what is.

Jack’s view, however, isn’t any more correct or noble.  It is just as vacuous.  The emptiness of his view comes through loud and clear through another motif: women themselves.  This one is not as prominent as the cars motif, but it’s there.  Every woman that Jack “loves and leaves” ends up bitter.  His agent, for example, gives him hell for him doing just that.  Only when he truly commits to a woman can she feel truly loved, as is the case when he cares for his cancer-stricken sister.  Commitment is in him; he just has to apply it in the area of romance to truly embrace what love is all about.

The man in the “legacy” couple reminds me of my grandpa.  After 56 years of marriage, my grandma passed away.  They had commitment down pat, and therefore they had love too.  As the name implies, they left quite a legacy because of that.

When Fred, the husband in the couple, broke down after Maggie’s (the wife) death, I saw my grandpa right there.

Which reminds me: I’m gonna go write that letter now.

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I highly recommend Coyote County Loser.  It is showing at Cinema City Theaters in Yorba Linda until Sept 10.  For tickets and show times, go to Coyotecountyloser.com

Quote of the Day

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

–C.S Lewis

Quote of the Day

“Unlike all the hollow substitutes, real love is about gaining, through sacrifice, the ability to see the world through another’s eyes.  It’s about learning to know another even as we are known.  It’s about triumphing over daily inconveniences and conflicts, not merely surviving them.  It’s all about emotionally growing together.  And it’s about participating in the redemption of another, even as we are being redeemed.  Such love touches and challenges every part of one’s life.  In summary, love is learning to respect, adore and cherish the other.  True love is always a life-transforming friendship, and such friendship has nothing to do with a constantly overpowering attraction.  The danger of hoping for such attraction is that it is impossible  to obtain–or to sustain for any length of time, no matter who you’re with…A strong component of the current myth concerning love is that the most challenging part of romance  is finding the ‘right’ person;  yet this is false.  The most challenging, and the most fulfilling, part of romance is learning how to love another selflessly over the long haul.  While such attraction is initially blissful and effervescent, it is like the tide, always ebbing and flowing, tempered by our histories, choices and frailties.”

–Greg Jesson, Faith, Film, and Philosophy: Big Ideas on the Big Screen