Tag Archives: Love

Maiwwage

Wintery Knight tipped me off to the following exerpt from a blog on marriage:

Couples in crisis often reach the point where they decide they are just two poorly matched people. This precedes the decision to leave the relationship and go in search of that “right person.” Unfortunately, the odds of a successful marriage go down for each attempt at a new marriage. Psychiatrist and author of The Secrets of Happily Married Men and The Secrets of Happily Married Women and The Secrets of Happy Families, Scott Haltzman, MD, says in truth, they are correct; we all married the wrong person.

“My basic philosophy is we have to start with the premise when we choose our partner that we aren’t choosing with all the knowledge and information about them,” says Dr. Haltzman. “However, outside of the extreme scenarios of domestic violence, chronic substance abuse, or the inability to remain sexually faithful—which are good arguments for marrying the wrong person on a huge scale, and where it is unhealthy or unsafe to remain married—we need to say, ‘This is the person I chose, and I need to find a way to develop a sense of closeness with this person for who he or she really is and not how I fantasize them to be.’”

That choice to work on the relationship can lead to a more profound, meaningful experience together. Dr. Haltzman offers the following tips to help us reconnect or improve our bond:

◦Respect your mate for his/her positive qualities, even when they have some important negative ones.

◦Be the right person, instead of looking for the right person.

◦Be a loving person, instead of waiting to get love.

◦Be considerate instead of waiting to receive consideration.

To underscore the last couple of points, Dr. Haltzman says many people will put only so much effort into a relationship, then say, “I’ve done enough.” But very few of us will do that with our children. “Instead, we say despite their flaws, we wouldn’t want anyone else; yet, our kids can be much more of a pain in the ass than our spouses.”

Finally, he advises, “Have the attitude that this is the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with, so you must find a way to make it work instead of always looking for the back door.”

Doug Geivett, one of my former professors, comments:

Fourth, we should commit to having a successful marriage, and let go any idealistic notion of being married to just the right person and having a perfect marriage.

Fifth, we should welcome a different conception of the values and rewards of marriage than what is so widely assumed today.

Right on.  He goes on to point out that this does not mean you shouldn’t get married nor does it mean that your marriage to the wrong person can’t succeed or that any person is a good person to marry.

This is a good antidote to the “soulmateism”–the belief that there’s “the one” out there especially made for you and that it is your destiny to meet and wed–that is the spirit of the age today.  IMO, soulmateism is a bunch of bunk.  Dropping that view, as well as dropping the “I’ll ‘settle down’ get married someday later in life after I’ve ‘had my fun’ and made my career” attitude currently en vogue today will make for a generally better life.

Can You Change Someone You Love?

Can you change someone you love?

A friend of mine on Facebook brought up that question recently.  He saw a book at the store that gave a resounding “yes” answer to that question, so he took a picture and posted it on FB in order to ridicule the concept.  His answer was that it is “simply not possible.”

I know my friend’s hesitancy, for many who get into co-dependant relationships tend to think they can change their significant others.  How many times have we shaken our heads at the girl who gets involved with the loser man-boy because she thinks she can change him into husband material?  It is obvious to us that she is making a losing bet, but not so obvious to her (or maybe it is obvious to her but she’s just in major denial because the sex is good.).

There is another side to the question, however, that my friend and the others who commented on his status missed.   His words that changing someone you love is “not possible” reflects an overly individualistic attitude that is harmful if taken to its logical conclusion.

I replied to his status by noting how my wife has changed me for the better.  She loves me, and has spoken much grace, truth, and love into me, and has made me a better man.  Just the other night I sat and reflected with her on how her giving me grace and bearing with my follies has made me more patient.

What if I really believed that “changing someone you love isn’t possible?”  Chances are, I wouldn’t be open to her influence in my life.  I’d just focus on me improving me and I’d be totally oblivious to how her love could change me, and vice  versa.  It would be a shame if my wife bought into the slogan in question; she then wouldn’t be open to me speaking into her life.  What’s more, she wouldn’t try to influence me for the better, thus depriving me of much goodness and beauty.  If one of us believed, it would deprive us both.

There are many other relationships like this; for example, one job a dad has is to mold his sons into men of character and his daughters into women with inner beauty…in other words, he’s supposed to change them.

The point here is that if either person in a love relationship (friends, spouses, brothers and sisters, etc) buys into the slogan, it deprives both of much joy.

Somewhat ironically, “changing loved ones” is one motivating factor of interventions.  When an addict is out of control and won’t stop binging on his addiction, his loved ones often gather together, with a professional counselor, and stage one last attempt at stopping the destruction.  They all agree to stop enabling the addict and draw a line.  If the addict doesn’t agree to stop the behavior and seek professional help, there are often big consequences such as certain family members cutting off contact.   What else is all this if not an attempt to change the person they love?

Changing loved ones is also a concept built into the 12 steps.  I used to be a part of a 12 step group.  One of the practices built into the group was accountability relationships.  From time to time, the members of the group would make phone calls to “check in” with each other.  If the other person was about to break sobriety and engage in their addiction, the job of the other person on the line would be to talk them out of it.  If one person was rationalizing or making excuses, the other was not supposed to just go along with that: s/he was supposed to hold the other accountable.   Both myself and other guys in the group even, at times, arranged for the other group members to administer certain consequences and boundaries if we couldn’t keep straight.  This was all done with the prior agreement of all involved, but suffice it to say, we were all agents of change in the lives of the others in the group.

In sum, I can recognize my friend’s hesitancy.  There comes a point that if the other is resistant, it is best to let dead dogs lie.  However, contrary to what he said, change is certainly possible and, at times, it is necessary to strive for.

A Good Thing

As I was driving home tonight, I was incredibly joyous.  I had just worked a 12 hour day, I was exhausted, and I had some more work to do when I got home.  I had been up since 5am, and it was 8pm when I walked in the door.  This has been the norm the past 2 and a half months.  You’d figure I’d be dragging my feet in the door, but I skipped in the door with vigor.
Late tonight I asked myself “why”?

 

I think it’s because of my wife.

 

Now, don’t roll your eyes.  Hear me out on this.  Part of my upbeat-ness is, no doubt, from my job, which I absolutely love.  But I can’t ignore the roll my wife has played in this.  Sure, we’ve had to adjust to each other’s quirks and we’ve had some disagreements, but I’m having the time of my life with her.  Sure beats coming home to an empty apartment or coming home to roommates.  Sure, I was friendly with all my roommates and I got along with them great.  But I wasn’t one with them.  None of them was my sole (as opposed to soul…there is a difference!) mate.

 

When I first walk in the door at night, I am greeted with a long, much needed hug.  It is the highlight of my day.  Without it, my energy supply to get through the day would be considerably less.

 

What’s more, not only do I get to come home to a hug, not only do I come home to a home cooked meal, not only does the responsibility of being a husband enhance my own sense of my manhood.  Not only do we get to talk to each other about our day(s), but we get to be goofy together.  That laughter is absolute soul food, and it is giving me quite the unexpected lift in my step.

 

Some who have been married longer (or those who haven’t been married at all) might scoff at this: this won’t last.  Wait until kids.  Then your life will really be over.  Or if kids don’t “end your life,” just….just wait.  Things will change.

 

Perhaps.  Yeah yeah, maybe  we’re still “on drugs” as they say, and we are bound to come crashing down.  But you know what?  I don’t care. It says in the Old Book, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing.”  I am currently enjoying that which I have found and which God has given.

For the Single Ladies (and Guys)

Recently, Boundless blogger Suzanne Hadley Gosselin asked a few interesting questions.  I’m gonna pose them here; who knows, could yield some interesting comments!

If you are a single guy, what do you wish the girls around you knew? If you are a single woman, what do you wish you could tell guys?

One request: be honest!  No need to just parrot what you think makes you sound spiritual.

Better the Second Time Around

For some reason, oftentimes, the second watching of a film is more enriching than the first.

Such was the case last night, as I watched Coyote County Loser at its Orange County premier.

This is not the first time I’ve commented on the film.ccl
To tell you the truth, since I’ve watched it before, I really didn’t feel like going.  It had been a long, tiring day at work, I had another long, tiring day at work to look forward to the next day, and I had a wife I wanted to see.  In the last three weeks, I’ve gotten married, moved into a new place (we still have quite a few boxes to unpack), my wife got a new job, and I got a new job (well, 2 new jobs, sorta).   Add in all the other “to dos” that comes along with a new marriage (getting new bank account, changing insurance, etc), and I’m just flat worn out.  I even told the producer that I’d have to leave before the end of the film.  All this wasn’t because the film sucked (it didn’t…more on that in a minute), but just because I had cashed in my chips long before I arrived.

But I ended up staying the whole time.  I even gleefully (yes…gleefully) stayed for the whole Q&A afterwards.

Why?  There were no Michael Baysian-like special effects for me to visually gorge on.  I was not treated to Lord-of-the-Rings-esque cinematography.  What kept me in my seat was the story.  My soul was enriched from the get-go.  The film caused me to pause and examine my life.  When that happens, I’m hooked in.

One  such “examination” was this: I saw a lot of myself in Jack, the love-em-and-leave-em heart throb from LA.  No, I know I’m no Fabio.  Here’s the deal: for much of the film, he was too busy chasing his next big shot to be able to love anyone.  That would require him to actually slow down and downshift few gears, which he had no intention of doing.  That’s a lot like me; I’ve been so busy lately (actually, it’s not just lately–it’s a constant in my life), for instance, I’ve been desiring but neglecting to write a letter to my grandpa.  I thought a while ago, “That’d be nice.  I need to communicate with him more, cherish him in deeper ways.  A letter would really touch him, I think.” But I keep putting it off.  Like Jack, I’m zipping around with a wink too much to slow down enough, and I’ve been like this well before all the recent change.  If I don’t put people before the process, I’m gonna end up neglecting and hurting those I care for most.

There were a few motifs in the film that I missed the first time around.  Actually, they are so obvious and central in the film that I feel kinda embarrassed to say I missed them the first time around.  I caught the main idea of the film: Jack’s view of relationships is totally based on feeling, while Lauren’s view is based around a list of “must haves.”  Jack thinks love is a game; Lauren thinks love is a savy business transaction.  They find out both their views are horribly wrong–a “legacy” couple–married for 48 years–shows them the main ingredient that starts and keeps love alive: commitment.  Over the years, the commitment and sacrifice the couple practices and embodies transforms Fred, the husband, from a shy, awkward farm boy into a confident, joyous romancer.

Perhaps the most notable thing I missed, though, was the car motif.  Lauren, the female lead, compared men to cars, claiming that just as you must have a list of what you need in a car when vehicle shopping, so you must have a list of requirements for a man.  She called this the “non-negotiable checklist.”

That much I caught the first time, but what I missed was the motif.  Cars are all over the place in the film!  Lauren’s truck consistently breaks down, mirroring the men she takes to task; Jack drives a snazzy sports car that runs out of gas in the beginning of the film; Lauren gets her knowledge of car repair from her dad–when she was young, her dad had a prized antique car (shown in the film), and working on it was the only way Lauren could gain time with him; a car salesman sponsors the radio station Lauren works at, and she visits the salesman when her truck dies; heck, the “loser” himself even sells junk car parts at a salvage yard, and he wins a loaded pickup truck when he wins the “date” radio contest.

Pretty much all the cars in the film, though, leave the characters feeling empty.  Lauren’s truck is a source of constant frustration, and the old car her dad prized is the source of bitter memories.  When the loser wins the truck, it just didn’t feel right–yeah, it was a sweet ride, but Lauren’s heart was crushed in the process of him winning it.  It is not a coincidence, I’m sure, that Jack and Lauren finally connect over a horse-back ride, which is the antithesis of a car.

All this points to the vacuity of Lauren’s view of love.  Her comparison between men and cars is ludicrous, condescending, and leaves both parties feeling empty.  Sure, it keeps women from being hurt, but it keeps them lonely too.  As C.S Lewis once said,

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

Lauren’s view, by the way, is not just spouted by frosty psychologist radio hosts in indie movies–it’s all over the place in our culture.  Ever hear someone compare their boyfriend or girlfriend to a car when it comes to sex?  “We need to find out if we are sexually compatible before we get married.  You wouldn’t buy a car without test driving it first, would you?”

So…I’m a car that you must test drive before you commit?  If that’s not condescending, I don’t know what is.

Jack’s view, however, isn’t any more correct or noble.  It is just as vacuous.  The emptiness of his view comes through loud and clear through another motif: women themselves.  This one is not as prominent as the cars motif, but it’s there.  Every woman that Jack “loves and leaves” ends up bitter.  His agent, for example, gives him hell for him doing just that.  Only when he truly commits to a woman can she feel truly loved, as is the case when he cares for his cancer-stricken sister.  Commitment is in him; he just has to apply it in the area of romance to truly embrace what love is all about.

The man in the “legacy” couple reminds me of my grandpa.  After 56 years of marriage, my grandma passed away.  They had commitment down pat, and therefore they had love too.  As the name implies, they left quite a legacy because of that.

When Fred, the husband in the couple, broke down after Maggie’s (the wife) death, I saw my grandpa right there.

Which reminds me: I’m gonna go write that letter now.

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I highly recommend Coyote County Loser.  It is showing at Cinema City Theaters in Yorba Linda until Sept 10.  For tickets and show times, go to Coyotecountyloser.com

Quote of the Day

To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless–it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

–C.S Lewis

Quote of the Day

“Unlike all the hollow substitutes, real love is about gaining, through sacrifice, the ability to see the world through another’s eyes.  It’s about learning to know another even as we are known.  It’s about triumphing over daily inconveniences and conflicts, not merely surviving them.  It’s all about emotionally growing together.  And it’s about participating in the redemption of another, even as we are being redeemed.  Such love touches and challenges every part of one’s life.  In summary, love is learning to respect, adore and cherish the other.  True love is always a life-transforming friendship, and such friendship has nothing to do with a constantly overpowering attraction.  The danger of hoping for such attraction is that it is impossible  to obtain–or to sustain for any length of time, no matter who you’re with…A strong component of the current myth concerning love is that the most challenging part of romance  is finding the ‘right’ person;  yet this is false.  The most challenging, and the most fulfilling, part of romance is learning how to love another selflessly over the long haul.  While such attraction is initially blissful and effervescent, it is like the tide, always ebbing and flowing, tempered by our histories, choices and frailties.”

–Greg Jesson, Faith, Film, and Philosophy: Big Ideas on the Big Screen