Can you change someone you love?
A friend of mine on Facebook brought up that question recently. He saw a book at the store that gave a resounding “yes” answer to that question, so he took a picture and posted it on FB in order to ridicule the concept. His answer was that it is “simply not possible.”
I know my friend’s hesitancy, for many who get into co-dependant relationships tend to think they can change their significant others. How many times have we shaken our heads at the girl who gets involved with the loser man-boy because she thinks she can change him into husband material? It is obvious to us that she is making a losing bet, but not so obvious to her (or maybe it is obvious to her but she’s just in major denial because the sex is good.).
There is another side to the question, however, that my friend and the others who commented on his status missed. His words that changing someone you love is “not possible” reflects an overly individualistic attitude that is harmful if taken to its logical conclusion.
I replied to his status by noting how my wife has changed me for the better. She loves me, and has spoken much grace, truth, and love into me, and has made me a better man. Just the other night I sat and reflected with her on how her giving me grace and bearing with my follies has made me more patient.
What if I really believed that “changing someone you love isn’t possible?” Chances are, I wouldn’t be open to her influence in my life. I’d just focus on me improving me and I’d be totally oblivious to how her love could change me, and vice versa. It would be a shame if my wife bought into the slogan in question; she then wouldn’t be open to me speaking into her life. What’s more, she wouldn’t try to influence me for the better, thus depriving me of much goodness and beauty. If one of us believed, it would deprive us both.
There are many other relationships like this; for example, one job a dad has is to mold his sons into men of character and his daughters into women with inner beauty…in other words, he’s supposed to change them.
The point here is that if either person in a love relationship (friends, spouses, brothers and sisters, etc) buys into the slogan, it deprives both of much joy.
Somewhat ironically, “changing loved ones” is one motivating factor of interventions. When an addict is out of control and won’t stop binging on his addiction, his loved ones often gather together, with a professional counselor, and stage one last attempt at stopping the destruction. They all agree to stop enabling the addict and draw a line. If the addict doesn’t agree to stop the behavior and seek professional help, there are often big consequences such as certain family members cutting off contact. What else is all this if not an attempt to change the person they love?
Changing loved ones is also a concept built into the 12 steps. I used to be a part of a 12 step group. One of the practices built into the group was accountability relationships. From time to time, the members of the group would make phone calls to “check in” with each other. If the other person was about to break sobriety and engage in their addiction, the job of the other person on the line would be to talk them out of it. If one person was rationalizing or making excuses, the other was not supposed to just go along with that: s/he was supposed to hold the other accountable. Both myself and other guys in the group even, at times, arranged for the other group members to administer certain consequences and boundaries if we couldn’t keep straight. This was all done with the prior agreement of all involved, but suffice it to say, we were all agents of change in the lives of the others in the group.
In sum, I can recognize my friend’s hesitancy. There comes a point that if the other is resistant, it is best to let dead dogs lie. However, contrary to what he said, change is certainly possible and, at times, it is necessary to strive for.
