A 5 ft 3 Mirror

Have you noticed I’ve been focusing on dating, marriage, and relationships in my last few posts? Well, my own wedding is coming up in a few days, so I have a legit excuse…:)

Plus, like nothing else, the subject of dating and marriage are two controversial subjects that tend to get the comments box hot and sizzlin’. A post on the moral argument for God’s existence will bring, perhaps, a comment or two (sorry Wintery Knight…just callin’ the shots like I see ‘em), but bring up the subject of dating and suddenly all the 20 somethings come out of the shadows with a thing or two to say.

Well, if my posts the last few days haven’t been controversial enough, there’s today’s post. I think it’s time to stir up the pot a ‘lil.

A recent letter to the Focus on the Family website Boundless.org went something like this:

I don’t want to sound like a complainer, but I think that the delayed marriage factor has a lot to do with Christian men as well as women. I find it frustrating to be accused of being very independent when I haven’t even had the option of anything else! It’s not like I had ten suitors on my doorstep, and I turned down marriage at 20. I didn’t have the option of marriage at 20 or even 30. … I need the support of the Christian community. Your Boundless article seems to put us all in the bucket of waiting too long or too late. But what about just waiting, because that’s your only choice.

The letter came from a female reader in response to a Danielle Crittenden article on The Cost of Delaying Marriage (A subject I’ve also written about here and here).

I can sympathize with *part* of her letter as a man. For many singles, they desire a mate, but things just aren’t working out. It can be frustrating.

Candace Watters thinks the writer is in the ballpark, but is missing something crucial:

I think this writer is on to something. The problem of delayed marriage has a lot to do with men who won’t take initiative. Women want to be pursued and men are charged by God to be the pursuers. Proverbs says, “he who finds a wife, ” Finds. That’s no passive verb. It’s active. It instructs the man who wants God’s blessing to get out there and look. And to the men we say, get going. It’s time you accept the challenge to pursue marriage.

One ought not use this as a club with which to bash men. There are many active, godly men out there, and others have chosen celibacy not as a temporary state, but as a lifelong calling to the Lord. This choice should be honored. Candace would no doubt agree with me on this. In fact, she brings balance to her words in the very next paragraph by noting that women play a role in helping (not bashing) any passive men out there:

To the women, I say stop glorifying the single years as a super-holy season of just you and Jesus. Yes, being single does provide the chance to be uniquely intimate with Jesus. Enjoy that. But don’t advertise it. Why? Because it gives guys permission to kick back and let you. If they think you’re perfectly happy as a single, why wouldn’t they let you stay that way? Especially when so many of them are gun shy. Thanks to a 50 percent (give or take a few points) divorce rate and absentee dad problem, many of them grew up without a mentor (their dad) and without a godly model for what marriage should look like. Many of them are scared, and for good reason. (emphasis mine)

I’ve often thought the same thing. Ladies, if you go about wearing the “strong, independent woman, don’t need no man” badge on your chest, if you are fond of posting a “Jesus is the only man I need” status update on Facebook (I’ve seen this, actually), or if you loudly complain every time someone wants to help introduce you to a man, guys will take that as a very obvious cue: stay away. If that’s you, don’t turn around and wonder why no guy asks you out or pursues you, or why all the guys that do ask you out are windbags.

Does that mean instead that you must come off as super-needy and that you have to throw yourself at any man that walks by? No. Candace continues:

Now to you women, that’s not an excuse to bash men. You have an important ability to help them move toward marriage. How? By esteeming it. By not being embarrassed about wanting it. By going after it — to a point. You can nurture men toward marriage by helping them see that it contains a lot of what they’re looking for, even if they don’t yet know it. Think of Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life. He’s depressed that once again, his plans to get out of small town America and see the world have been thwarted and he’s left tending the family business with just his mom and alcoholic uncle for companionship. He’s questioning his very existence; longing to know his destiny. What’s his mom’s suggestion? “Why don’t you go talk to Mary,” she says. “I’ll bet she could help you find the answers you’re looking for.”

It’s ok to desire to be married, and it’s ok to seek out a mate…really, it is. In no way does it make you less spiritual, beautiful, independent, capable, and whole. In fact, you just might be taking God’s call seriously.  If you desire to serve the Lord in celibacy for life and you seriously can fulfill such a role without frustration and bitterness, go for it!  Conversely, if you desire companionship in marriage, don’t be embarrassed about it; go for it!  Though what it looks like to “go for it” will look different for each gender, it applies to both guys and gals.

Marriage holds the possibility of partnership, adventure, creativity, challenge and many more of the things we long for, but try to obtain with inferior pursuits. As Amy and Leon Kass observed in their roles as professors at the University of Chicago, “…we detect among our students certain (albeit sometimes unarticulated) longings — for friendship, for wholeness, for a life that is serious and deep, and for associations that are trustworthy and lasting — longings that they do not realize could be largely satisfied by marrying well.” (Wing to Wing, Oar to Oar, p. 2)

Does this mean that you can’t have friendship, wholeness, adventure, etc as a single? Again, no, but it does mean that a good marriage (as opposed to, umm, a bad one) is a place where those things and more are found in a unique way. For example, a marriage, so I’ve heard, refines your character like no other. As my pastor once said, “my wife is a 5 ft 3 mirror.”

Ok, discuss.