John Thomas at Boundless answered a letter a few days ago from a man who desires to be married, has asked lots of girls out, but can’t seem to get that second date.
John’s advice to the young man is stellar. I’m a guy that advocates guys (that don’t have the gift of celibacy) getting out there and actively pursuing marriage. John and I agree on that. But he brings out another angle in this article. I’ve never really thought of it the way he puts it, but he’s right: the person comes first, not the institution of marriage.
Being intentional about marriage is critical, as any Boundless reader knows, but as you’ve discovered, there’s obviously more to it. Maybe your problem is not that you don’t have enough second dates, but that you have too many first dates that should have never been. Let me explain.
I wonder if you’re investing enough time on the front end before the first date. To stick with the batting analogy, this ain’t Tee-ball. You don’t just walk over, grab any ol’ bat, close your eyes, take a swing and — wham! — hit it out of the park.
Just imagine all that goes into actually hitting a ball that is whizzing toward you at over 90 miles per hour, on a curved trajectory, being thrown by someone who specializes in getting you to miss the ball (and who might just decide to throw it at you)! Eyes, muscles, brain synapses and hours upon hours of training all coming down to an instant of perfect timing.
In the same way, we don’t just pick out a godly girl, ask her on a date, tell her we’re interested in possibly marrying her because marriage glorifies God, and expect her heart to melt. Now, I’m sure you haven’t been quite that cavalier about it, but you get my point.
She’s godly? Great. She’s humble? Wonderful. I’m glad those are at the top of your list for qualities in a potential wife. They should be. But you’re seeking a wife, not buying a fuel-efficient car. You need to let your heart in on the action too.
Remember: You’re pursuing a person, not an institution. Yes, being married glorifies God, but it does so because two people love each other in such a way that it points others to the love that Jesus and His Church have for one another.
Right on! I’m sure the women are giving a hearty “amen” to this.