Justin Taylor at Between two Worlds highlights an absolutely stellar part of Andrew Peach’s post at First Things.
Most fathers-to-be suppose that their old ego-centered lives will continue more or less unabated after the child arrives. With the exception of a few more obstacles and demands on their time, their involvement with their children is envisioned as being something manageable and marginal. Nothing like a complete transformation—an abrupt end to their former life—really enters men’s minds.
But then the onslaught begins, and a man begins to realize that these people, his wife and children, are literally and perhaps even intentionally killing his old self. All around him everything is changing, without any signs of ever reverting back to the way they used to be. Into the indefinite future, nearly every hour of his days threatens to be filled with activities that, as a single-person or even a childless husband, he never would have chosen. Due to the continual interruptions of sleep, he is always mildly fatigued; due to long-term financial concerns, he is cautious in spending, forsaking old consumer habits and personal indulgences; he finds his wife equally exhausted and preoccupied with the children; connections with former friends start to slip away; traveling with his children is like traveling third class in Bulgaria, to quote H.L. Mencken; and the changes go on and on. In short, he discovers, in a terrifying realization, what Dostoevsky proclaimed long ago: “[A]ctive love is a harsh and fearful reality compared with love in dreams.” Fatherhood is just not what he bargained for.
Yet, through the exhaustion, financial stress, screaming, and general chaos, there enters in at times, mysteriously and unexpectedly, deep contentment and gratitude. It is not the pleasure or amusement of high school or college but rather the honor and nobility of sacrifice and commitment, like that felt by a soldier. What happens to his children now happens to him; his life, though awhirl with the trivial concerns of children, is more serious than it ever was before. Everything he does, from bringing home a paycheck to painting a bedroom, has a new end and, hence, a greater significance. The joys and sorrows of his children are now his joys and sorrows; the stakes of his life have risen. And if he is faithful to his calling, he might come to find that, against nearly all prior expectations, he never wants to return to the way things used to be.
This is why I am looking forward to the call to fatherhood. A friend of mine last week, who is a new dad, joked with me about me and my fiance’s desire to have a “large” family (not really large, but large by modern day standards). His subtle point was that I had that desire because I didn’t have an experience of what it is really like to raise a kid. If only I were to babysit a little, I’d quickly change my mind, so he thought.
Perhaps I am woefully in the dark. In fact, it is a certainty. However, it is the commitment expressed in the above quote that anchors my desire, not any rosy prophecy of the ease of fatherhood. The honor, nobility, and sacrifice involved in raising children bears incredibly deep and meaningful contentment and gratitude…much, much more than any frills to be had as a parentless single. I have not experienced fatherhood directly, so some may scoff. But I’ve seen that reality, and I know better than to listen to the scoffers who tempt me to sidle back into my single cave.
Sure, “my” life, as they call it, will be over. As a married man, not just a father, I will have to give up the “go where I want, do what I want” mentality and lifestyle. But that is ok…in fact, I think I’m making out ahead in the exchange, even given the not-so-glamorous transformation of which Peach speaks.
I don’t expect secular society to get that. But I wish more inside the church would.
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Before the comments section gets too hot, let me engage in a lil’ pre-emption here.
I recognize some are called to lifelong celibacy as unmarried singles in order to serve the Lord. That is an incredibly high calling I do not take lightly. The Church needs you and should honor you.
There are others who really do want to be married and parents and who are seeking out that calling, but for a reason only known to God, it hasn’t happened yet.
There is a whole cadre of adults (mid twenties and above), though–and this group is getting larger and larger by the year–who want to get married “Some day,” but who are intentionally putting it off for one reason or another. A few are legit reasons, but most, I’m convinced, are excuses to avoid embracing the responsibility and challenge outlined in Peach. If not that, they reflect misplaced priorities. Most in this group don’t put off sexual escapades, of course. “A guy’s got his needs, you know.”
For that group–you are trading your birthright for a bowl of soup. I challenge you to really think about Peach’s words.
I wish the church world would understand so many more things that just what you mentioned. I mean, my getting married last year at the age of 23 was met with HUGE resistance by, get this, the church I was a part of due to (in part) racial bigotry and an unwillingness to welcome/get to know a person they had never met. It’s sad that had to happen especially since as Paul said in 1 Cor that it is not wrong to marry one who is in Christ.
I also wish that how the church world would be less resistant of people who really want to be a pastor but is prevented from doing so because they don’t have a degree in divinity. I wish that in that case the church world would just help sponsor said person with such desires to either realize their calling but that is not happening very much.
I wish that the church world would stop acting like its secular counterparts when it comes to things like money, bank loans, materialism and desires. People think I’m crazy to not want to get a housing loan (and hence get my own house) and for opting to rent a house instead.
Anyway, I have many more “I wish” but those are just a few to add to your one.
I enjoyed reading your post about fatherhood. I am a grateful single parent and you are right, life changes after kids. Sometimes in the most beautiful ways. You will remember things about your own childhood sometimes by some little thing they do and it usually brings a smile. It is the beginning of something new.
Last year I taught religion classes for my second grader in preparation of his first communion. It was so emotionally moving for me to watch him wakl up to the priest for his first holy confession. I know that our involvement to our church community and the values he has received from that. When you speak of principles such as nobility, gratitude and honor, that it is. The time goes by so quickly, savor the little moments while you have them. God bless you.